We all want to be Rock Stars

8:58am: Life
I think my life can be best defined by it's correlation with my weight. No really... When I was a little kid, I was ranging from 35-65 pounds... depending on age. As time went by I gained more weight, but it was all proportionate. After High-school I weighed 140 lbs... a little too skinny... then during college I gained a bunch and was about 185, after college it grew to 200. I've been spending the last 4 years trying to get rid of it. It's a lot easier to gain than to lose. But that's what my life is like... over-consumption then trying to backpedal.

8:14am: .hack
I got a new PS2 game. .hack:Infection. It's pretty good, kinda linear. Why is it that games are either so linear it's like watching a cartoon most of the time, or they are so open you don't know where the hell you're going? .hack has a fun concept though; you're playing in a simulated MMORG and it get's infected with a virus, putting one of your friends in a coma.

Oh! Tonight is the Oh, The Humanity! Episode 2 showing. We'll get drunk and laugh at ourselves. what fun. And we're airing the show on channels 29 and 77 on 9/10/03 at 9:30pm.

11:48pm: Pooh, pure pooh
So writing is back in style, I hear. I suppose I'll try it. I'm fucking pissed. Good start.... I hate it that none of my friends talk to me anymore. Wanna know why? Because I act differently when my girlfriend is around. Uh-huh... ok. So what about the times she's not around? Still don't want to hang out. Fuckers. Get this: we've been friends for over 15 years. And it all gets thrown away because they don't get along with my girlfriend. ASSHOLES. Anyways.. I've tried. I don't know what else to do. I love her and I'm not breaking up with her for those jerks. And I don't think it's because of her. It has to do with them still wanting to be kids. Stay up until 4AM and drink every fucking night. That time is over for me. I'll go out, I'll go to shows, but I have a 9 to 5 job and a career. Whatever.

7:45pm: Disintegration
I'm not a god, I'm just a man.
The universe does not speak through me.
Cosmic truths do not resonate through my bones.
I simply want to eat hot food and play with my friends.
I'm not a man, I'm just a boy.
Prejudice does not control me.
Knowledge is not king.
I simply want to love and to be loved.
I'm not a boy, I'm just a lost soul.
No one listens anyway.

5:03pm: SUCK
The beautiful people stare and me. Wy can't they just look away?

8:48am: My perfect woman
When I was 15 I wrote a poem entitled 'my perfect woman.' It was about a bad girl who could manipulate people into getting things her way and still look damn sexy doing it.
I guess I've grown out of my desire for that girl now. So, it's time for a new description.
(these are in no order, just stream of thought)
? A woman that can appreciate a guy who knows how to stop fights, not start them.
? A girl that can kick my ass at a video game.
? A girl who has good, liberal style (like punks).
? A girl who can carry on a decent intellectual conversation with me, about religion or science or math or anything.
? Someone who inspires me. To write, to snowboard, to love, to get off my lazy ass and do something.
? A chicka who likes to laugh and be psychotically weird, but in a good way.
?Someone who respects my opinion and still loves me regardless of our differences (or can at least beat me at an arguement sometimes).
? Someone I can cherish and feel needed by.
? Aggressiveness.
Physical turn ons-
toe rings, belly button rings, pig tails (especially on medium length hair), C cup or smaller (like Bs), any shade or mix of red and blue and black colors, goooood laugh!, fun smile, pretty eyes.
there it is for now.

8:48am: Randomness
I am so fucking depressed. I went to bed at 8 and now it is 3 in the morning. I just saw Cecil B. Demented, a new John Waters movie, and it was great... it put me in a better mood.
I updated my about section on the site. Today after work I felt so lonely I just wanted to give up. I work a pointless and unfulfilling job, live in the city as a nobody, and feel absolutely worthless and un-loved. Which is what I suppose I deserve. I have such an addictive personality and I didn't realize how unique I act around my friends. I think it scares people. Well, I'm going back to sleep.

8:47am: My Horoscope
Variety isn't always the spice of life, Taurus. Take some time to move away from the unusual for a change. As the Moon moves into a new Sign, it becomes okay to embrace a familiar method or style. The latest fashion will always have its charms, but people love you best for the person that you've always been. Stop working for a little while so that you can beautify your home. You feel most comfortable when you are surrounded by luxury and comfort.
My horoscope this morning. It struck a chord in me. I usually don't let my day be influenced by a horoscope, but I have been changing my style a lot lately. I got a lot of new clothes, style my hair differently, and got some new nail polish. =)
I also was thinking of taking the day off of work to clean the house. So, maybe it's just that I'm on my path.
Synchronicity.
It was a good weekend, I took a break from te net and did other stuff. I think I'm going to be spending more time meeting people not on the net, they have more of a tendency to want to hang out with me.
ugh, tired. Time for work.

8:47am: Walkabout
I just got back from an awesome few hours of snowboarding and I did a lot of thinking on the slopes. I tend to do that. Someone asked me if I spend a lot of time online and I never really thought about how much I have been lately. At work it's just there in front of me.... Well, I've decided to take a sabbatical. I'm a man of extremes, I've nearly quit smoking and eating these last few days. Those are just precursors for my desire to change. It's time for me to be introspective and I don't feel I can do that while being consumed by the internet. So I'm not going to be online for a while. Let's name it Walkabout, after the Aborigine custom.
Alright, time for a double dose of reality.
Signing off,
Kanton a.k.a. Cure Hero

8:46am: Smoking
Smoking. I?ve tried to stop and the addiction has had the best of me. Now I?ve decided that I?m going to use it as a motivator. You see, motivation has been a big thing that umm?. I?ve never really had. So, whenever I do something that I feel I wouldn?t normally do because I?m a lazy bastard, then I?ll have a smoke, but only then.
I've heard that the way smoking works is that it bypasses the part in your brain that releases endorphins, which are the things that say ?Hey, good job for doing what you just did.? So now, Maybe I?ll write more and exercise more, and be nicer to people more? because I?ll have even more of a reason to do these things.Then again, maybe I'm just making excuses.

8:46am: It's a nice day outside
What a confusing day. It's as if I've been in an ethereal plain, just viewing the day from a distance and not really living it. Right before she left we had a lot of sex. I guess we wanted each other to remember one another that way. What does ?that way? mean... in love? She told me that she loved me, but didn't know if she was in love with me. I feel like I should be grieving that she is gone. I suppose that with me grief takes some time to settle in. But it's the time right before the grief that feels so... confusing; A burning storm of emotions and yet I'm not feeling them. I?m calm. I?m looking at things a little closer now. I feel it coming? my time for introspection.

8:45am: Will I ever get out of there?
I never grew up from trouble making
I never grew up from complicating
Why I grew up such a fool
And I never grew up from captivating
I never grew up from mistake making
But I'm going away from you
I never grew up from contemplating
So it isn?t worth debating
In a small town that?s so bare
And I know that it?s so clear
That I?ll never get out of there
No I never grew out of there
So I?ll never grow up from faking
And never grow up mistaking
That I think that I am cool
All my friends are back in school
Will I ever get out of there
Will I ever grow out of there

And I'm going away from you

This was inspired by a Soul Asylum song.... now that I read it, it looks pretty cheesey. Oh well, I'll work on it some more later.

8:49am: Differences between US and BC
1. There is a lot of aboots, oots, and hooses there.
2. The store mannequins have nipples!
3. Bison are pronounced Bi-zun.
4. Curling is a professional sport where the phrase "hit 'em in the crotch!" is often heard.
5. The cost of gas is "70.9"
6. Canadian bacon is just called ham.
7. The traffic lights blink at you all the time!
8. There are good meals on the Airplanes.
9. Every fucking skyscraper has green windows! It's like they took their Molson's bottles and recycled them into windows!
10. If you're splashed by a car, they have to pay for the dry-cleaning (if you manage to get the license number.)
11. It's called a washroom, not a bathroom.
12. College is not mandatory, a lot of people don't go.
13. Prostitution is common (this is a bad thing for me.)

8:45am: Two days until she's gone
You know that stupid saying that goes "You don't know what you've got until it's gone.", it's something my mom used to tell me while growing up. Now, at 23 (still growing), that saying keeps running through my head. For the last two point five years I have had her in my life. A lover, a friend, a mother, and a confidant. Now she is leaving. I can't think of anything but this,
I didn't know what I had.

8:53am: First Lyrics
I told myself I wouldn't go putting song lyrics on my journal because I think it's kinda lame, but I've listened to this song over and over again. My ex called me up to tell me she is over me.

i know i'm unlovable
you don't have to tell me
i don't have much in my life
but take it - it's yours
i know i'm unlovable
you don't have to tell me
message received
loud and clear
i wear black on the outside
because black is how i feel on the inside
and if i seem a little strange
well, that's because i am
but i know that you would like me
if only you could see me
if only you would meet me
stupidly morbid, I know, but I don't give a fuck anymore.

8:44am: Fucked up dream
I had the oddest dream last night. I was in an insane asylum, having gone there looking for someone. When I got there I saw a lot of girls I have known throughout my life, and a lot of nondescript females. I looked over to see one girl and there was a dog getting off of her. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, but the jeans had a hole in the crotch and I could see her vagina. There was a puddle under her. The dog had obviously just finished having sex with her. It was a black lab.
I walked around for a while and then came across an old friend of mine I wasn't expecting to see there. She was very excited to see me, almost overly excited as if there was another message she was trying to convey to me, a kind smile and eyes that screamed "help me."
I never did find the person I was looking for. I wish I had written the dream down in detail when I woke up this morning. I'll try to remember to do so for next time.
My roommate graduated from school today and I feel so proud of her. That school was a lot of work. So, we went to a little punk concert tonight that was very fun, The Briefs; if you get a chance to see them, I highly recommend it. Magnifique!

11:05am: First Entry
I'm moving my current journal at scribble (curehero.scribble.nu) over here because it looks a bit faster and I'm ready for a change.

8:40am: Question

Please answer the following question. Was having sex with my ex
a good idea?

<input ... > No.

Ok, thank you.

8:40am: Drew Barrymore is a goddess
Another awesome day at work completed. What did I do? Fixed some computers, went to a meeting where I convinced my bosses that we need changes, played games, lunch, surfed the net, fixed computers, got bored...
I really want to go so the movie Quills... does that make me a corrupted person? I'm a corrupted person. Go to thespark.com, nearly all my friends have taken the test but only one has %100 compatibility with me, and I've never met her in real life... that says a lot about how my life is.
But hey! I got to have sex today. Oh boy, more corruption!
I read this article in Rolling Stone about Drew Barrymore. This is an amazing woman. I've had this thing about her ever since I was 15. I think it has a lot to do with her going through rehab the same time I did and her personality is just so intriguing to me.

8:49am: My muffled heart
An amazing occurrence is happening right now. Snow! Seattle is getting snowed in. I never thought I would miss it so much, but when I go outside all I can think of is Jackson. It's amazing how easily living in the snow and dealing with it flows back from the recesses of my mind. Just driving on the snow takes a certain finesse. I learned to drive in this kind of snow, where you slide at every stop light, every turn... and with enough practice, you can use it to your advantage. Everyone hear is so scared of it. They drive very slowly, they slide into the curbs. I passed 3 cars pulled into the curbs on a small hill. And that was just driving to the grocery store and back. The thing I miss the most, the thing that put a great smile of nostalgia in my heart, was the absolute muffling of all everything around you. All sounds are as if they are being made through a wall of cotton, all light is defused like the sun shining through the clouds, and my thoughts, my emotions, go back to that softness, that blanket. I miss my hometown a lot. Like the culture and community of Seattle's people are affected by it's weather, so was Jackson. A reflection of it's weather... a dulled image of the moon off of a field of smooth, silent, chilled, snow.

8:39am: lonely
I'm here by myself tonight and the loneliness hangs over me like a wet blanket. I keep thinking of my ex and how she would always be home when I got back from work. We'd exchange how our days went and talk about life and my stress was just ice turning into calm water. I would get a delicious meal and wonderful comfort. I miss that. Now it's just Ratha and me. He knows when I'm sad. He's lying here, purring.
I notice whenever a a girl starts to become prospective, I balk. I'm a kid in a candy store and I'm building these delusions of great mounds of chocolate and sugar and everything sweet. I don't know what happens, but they get scared by that. "No candy for you, Kanton!" Maybe it's too much, maybe they just want to talk some more or maybe they just want sex. Whatever it is, I haven't been on a date or had a woman call me in a long time. Maybe I'm still getting over my last relationship. Whatever the answers are, all I want is to have someone to sit and talk to; coffee, wine, just sitting and waxing about philosophy, literature, religion, music, or anything...
I feel so ugly, so vile. I'm not the most attractive guy out there, but I'm not the ugliest either. Living in the city is so much harder then back home. I had so many friends, so many good conversations, so many great parties. I was a king. Here I'm not even noticed.
I've been on a computer at work all day and now I'm getting online here to talk to girls I will never meet and only talk to me because they like the attention. Ok, enough feeling sorry for myself. I'm pathetic. I'm going out and doing something tonight.

8:38am: What's with me?
Lately I've been thinking a lot about why I do the things I do. you see, I've always had this theory about life - it's simple. There is only one reality and it's so simple; one earth, one life... but we see a cross, a book, anything.... and everyone has these different feelings and thoughts and reactions to that cross or that book.
Whatever. The point I'm trying to make is that I should be a happier person because I know that it's easier to change my outlook on reality than to try and change reality.
So why am I so fucked up?
"Those who cannot live fully often become destroyers of life." - Anais Nin, American author (1903-1977).

8:38am: Concert
Ok. I went to best concert last night, Deck the Hall Ball. It was a blast. Orgy, Fuel, Moby, Pappa Roach, and Greenday played. I really liked Fuel. They put on a great show. And Moby was fun although out of place. But my favorite band there (and I hated these guys before the concert) was Greenday. I met a few punk girls there too =) Being down by the stage was insane, all the senses are bombarded. The music was great, the people were bein' nice, and the whole thing was just engaging.

8:43am: History
I?m old. I mean I?m not old as in age, only 23, but as in I have a lot of history.
I was browsing through my class books from High School last night and seeing all these people that I went to school with. It all came back; the first video I made, the first play I was in, the Speech team and all of the freaks that kept me sane on it, the dancers, the teachers, the bullies, the people I went on to college with, the people I bump into every now and again in some distant place like Florida or Las Vegas, and the girlfriends. God, I?ve been dating almost non-stop since I was 13. That?s a lot of time. It?s a lot of history.
Plus what happened to me; my rebellious skater/snowboarder stage, my vampire stage, my drug phase, my bi-sexual out coming, the Taoist phase, my Bohemian writer phase, and so many countless others.

8:43am: Back home
Yep. Back in Seattle. It was quite an adventure being in Jackson. The perfect mix of friends and family. And I got to see some people I haven't seen for a while.
Speaking of people I haven't seen for a while. David is coming to visit tonight. I haven't seen him for SEVEN years! And to top it off, we're going to a Marilyn Manson concert! I'm going to die. I fear for my life! This may be my last entry.
The following is my will-
I leave my computer to my mom, she needs a new one.
I leave my comics to be auctioned off and the money given to Mike, an aspiring comic artist.
I leave my penis to be bronzed and worshiped by all the women that never had the guts to ask to see it =)... oh wait, no women have wanted to see it. *sigh*
I'd like to have a group of all my crushes to sing "you were the best thing that ever happened to me" at my funeral.
ok, thanks.